éjszárny (bán andrás)- segíteni, szeretni

segíteni szeretnék. szeretve. talán segíteni szeretni. és szeretném hinni, tenni hogy eltûnjön belõlem minden önzés. hosszú az út. csak vonszolom magam. szürke cseppek. fakó tenger, köd, nyirkos hideg. fáradt vagyok. talán ázott levél, ami még sima és jéghideg, mínuszban is fagyás nélkül a járdára a léptek alatt tapadó, vagy csak megbújva a köd mélyén az avarban, messze, erekig fagyva, egyedül, és álmom az erdõ, a ködben álló csepphideg erdõ, szinte égbe nyúló sötét törzsek, és már a remény sem láttatja a zöld lombkoronát, amit valamikor még vissza tudtam idézni a tavaszi napragyogásból.

hideg cseppek. valahogy végtelenné válva csordulnak át, át, át és át az álmomból az ébrenlétbe, ébrenlétbõl álomba, álomból ébredésbe, mintha tartóerek lennének spirálban forgó életemben.
fáradt vagyok. reszketve imádkozom, talán kegyelemért. õszintének, tisztának akarom a segítenit, a segítve szeretnit... biztosan benne van az önzés is, érzem, mégsem tudok mit kezdeni a durva reakciókkal. nyelem, érteni akarom, és értem, és szeretnék valahonnan még több erõt, nem összeesni a pofontól, de néha nem tudok, már úgy kellene összeesnem, bármit csak picit nyugodtnak lenni, aztán tudni újra odatartani az arcomat, és hinni, hinni, van értelme, és még maradt remény.
egy csepp béke, annyi törõdésben felém nyújtva, amennyi épp betakar legalább egy cseppnyi békét. szeretnék jó lenni, mégha gyenge is vagyok ehhez, de ehhez muszáj nem összeesnem.
talán hihetetlen, ha neked egyszerûbb, gondold nyugodtan, hogy hazudok vagy túlzok, megértem, számodra hihetetlen ez, hiszen nem élted át, bármiylen illúziókba ringatod magadat magadról vagy a világodról, ezt - talán szerencsére – nem ismerheted. látod? szeret téged az isten, neked nem mutatja meg, mert nem bírnád. ilyenek lettünk.
nem tudom mi történik azzal az agyagdarabbal, ami szétlapul, vagy eltörik miközben formálják isten ujjai, vagy ha úgy akarod, a sors, és félek, talán én is ilyen rossz agyag vagyok.


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