részletek a készülõ könyvbõl

néhány részlet a készülõ könyvbõl, csak úgy, minden õsszefüggés nélkül idedobálva... és nem tudom miért

néha a boldogság olyan közelinek tûnik, hogy a hosszú sötét csend után már ez a közelség is szinte szárnyakat ad. már szinte valóság ami még csak a vágyak szintjén létezik. és ezekben az órákban, pillanatokban egészen a csalódás keserûjéig belül még minden sikerül. és nem az összeférhetetlenség ami gátat vet a kiteljesedésnek többnyire, hanem csak az akaratok és hitek közötti csúszás az idõben. az egyiknek menne, míg a másik, mire felismeri saját vágyait, addigra már az elsõ belefárad a túl erõs reményben való várakozásba. hirtelen hangulatváltozás, a boldogság közelsége olyan magasra emel, hogy szinte törvényszerû a zuhanás egy idõ után, és aztán hiába érkezik már a késõ,már késõ, csak valami rom marad az elsõ vágy után, amire már nem lehet építeni.
néha már én is itt vagyok, olyan egyszerû pillanatokra elveszíteni minden hitet és mindig nehezebb újra hinni már, és ez a túlcsigázott várakozás ... csak lassú halála valaminek, ami pedig talán mindennél többet ér...

...


és amikor hozzámértél az egyszerûen és tisztán tesrmészetes volt nekem,mint még soha érintés mióta gondolkozom. mint ha az érzékelésen túlra nyúltál volna mélyen belém,mintha álmom volnál.
néha itt van bennem valami kétely,mert most egyedül vagyok és te nem szóltál hogy ne legyen,és ott motoz bennem minden tanító csapása a sorsnak,és persze amíg te nem vagy hogy elkergesd belõlem az árnyakat,addig belém üthet újra a félelem hogy ne higgyek annak amit érzek,mert talán csak újra tanulom hogy nem vagyok tévedhetetlen.
nem akarom magam újra megadni a keresésnek,én hiszem és érzem hogy ezeken a sötét gondolatokon túl a fény nekem,ahogy hajad szálai között pihent a kezem azonon az elsõ éjjelen.

...

valamit megváltoztat azt hiszem bennem.amit melletted megtaláltam az valami olyan amit egész életemben kerestem, te nekem valami áradó nyugalom vagy,mint az egyetlen tündér az álmaimból,és az hogy csak én érzem így és neked nem hiányzik hogy beszéljünk és legyünkl egymásnak, ez valamihideg csenddé olvad bennem. szeretnélek látni ahogy egy álom sugárkoszorújában lángra lobbantod az életem,és érzem,tudom hogy mindez hajszálnyira a valóságtól egy lehetséges holnap izzó hajnalán pihen...

...

annyi elfojtott és kimondani sem mert vágyat, saját igazságot, gondolatot és érzést fojtunk magunkba, majd cipelünk és halmozunk az elbaszott kis életünkben, hogy ez a rohadt teher annyira fáradttá és aljassá tesz minket, hogy már nem merjük elengedni a szart, hogy belekapaszkodjunk valami igazán tisztába és jóba, amire pedig úgy vágytunk, mint a hóesés illatára, átölelve azt, akiben végre kicsit magunkat is újra megtaláljuk. lebeghetnénk, azt hiszem lebeghetnénk ebben az életben, ha nem húzna ennyi teljesen felesleges súly, de kevés ezt egyedül tudni, hidd el, egyedül kevés

...


talán az a sok kapcsolat, amiben annyit kellett küzdenem, az azért volt, hogy miközben felébresztek másokat, megértsem mi miért történik, és hogyan mûködne jól, hogy aztán ne csak boldogok legyünk veled, hanem másoknak is megmutassuk, lehet ez jó…

...

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